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Of GTA: Vatican City Stories and videogaming in the future |
Listed in: Wii, PS3, PSP, Nintendo DS, Xbox 360 Tags: Bill Gates, Microsoft, Sony

We know you had a blast (from the past) when we ran a feature about turning classic 80s cartoons into next-gen videogames, so we thought "why not do a 180 and focus on what lies ahead this time?" So this time we'll try to go crazy (in the process, be as absurd as possible) and try to peek into the kind of videogames our grand, grand, grandchildren would play in the far future.
We know that videogaming evolves depending on the kind of technology the current generation has. Whether it's a top of the line cell, motion-sensing technology, or an uber rich gameplay, current crop of consoles and games will try to equip themselves with the most technologically advanced weapons (yeah, kinda like "real" wars).
Since our list is supposed to be played during the future, don't be surprised with its absurdity. Even Edison and Einstein were laughed at by their peers during their time. We can't play videogames without platforms, so we've pulled out some out of this world (or time) ideas and created our own versions of future consoles. We'll stick with the big three this time - Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony. Here they are:
Xbox Revolution: Nope, they did not rip off Wii's former name. It's 50+ years into the future and I doubt if anybody would still remember that Nintendo used it as a WIP name for one of their consoles. Why "Revolution"? Well Microsoft followed 360 with 720, then 1440, and then...let's just say they got tired with spinning figures, so they christened their console of the future with a name that "revolutionizes" rotation (and an excuse to get rid of all those numbers). Main feature: Nerve sensitive controllers enabling the owner to make commands with the power of thought. Bonus perk: Comes with complementary infobot/condom dispenser (part of Bill Gates mission to stop AIDS).
PlayStation 3: Yeah, Sony will stick to the name PS3 because it is the future. In the far future they've stopped relaunching completely new consoles and have just resorted to periodical hardware and system updates. Main Feature: Interactive Body Teleporter: Technology immersing the player to actual in-game participation (gamer gets warped inside the game). Bonus perk: 20% off the next hardware or system update, which should be in a month.
Nintendo YeePee: It turns out the "Wii" is Nintendo's sublime way of sending the "our console is fun" message (hence the name's "weee!" sound). And their most recent console's name, descendant of Nintendo "Yey" and "Hura", follows the same trend. Main feature: Strap-on technology, the console works like a mobile suit, giving the gamer the ultimate motion sensing experience. Bonus perk: Party hats and balloons, and a couple of pots and pans.

Videogames of the future
It doesn't matter if the machine's advanced enough to produce black holes and destroy the universe, without great games it's not gonna kick much ass. And in the future, kickass games are the norm. It's either you're awesome, or you're lame, no more middle ground. Here are some games we should expect to rule the future:
Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City Stories
Developer: RockStar
Genre: Third-Person/Action Adventure
Release Date: Bush, 2061 (yeah, they've renamed months to historical figures)
Platform: YeePee
Rockstar, in an attempt to clear their name and to prove that they can be successful even on non-violent games, created a virtual world where the player's goal is to rule the holy Vatican City by being the Pope. In this game, you play the role of theological student Ramon, a bastion of goodwill whose dream is to spread the word of God and restore world peace. His Priest mentor tasks him to complete missions (such as withstanding a bunch of stripping college girls, reuniting an Israelite with her Palestinian husband, etc.) that'll boost the character's divinity towards his way to papacy.
Star Wars: Edge of Galaxy with George Lucas
Developer: Obsidian Ertaintenment/LucasArts
Genre: RPG
Release Date: Spears, 2063
Platform: Xbox Revolution
The lightsaber-wielding, force-toting Jedis are back with a mission that'll take them to the edge of galaxy. The Dark Force has employed the services or Darth Bord who has now launched an armada of Imperial ships ready to lay waste to all the planets of the Republic. Jedimaster Homer Skywalker, with the aid of George Lucas (the game's NPC, a tribute to Lucas' legacy), aims to halt the Sith force. The game is set to utilize Revolution's Nerve Sensitive controllers that'll capture the Jedis' telekinetic powers. What's Lucas' race you say? Here's a clue:
Homer Skywalker: Let's go Lucas, time to use the force and attack these Sith Lords!
George Lucas: UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh!

Final Fantasy E (250)
Developer: Square Enix/Green Peace
Genre: RPG
Release Date: Cowell, 2062
Platform: PlayStation 3
The 250th Final Fantasy is braving new grounds as it try to veer away from the traditional serene Ivalice setting. This time the game will take us to a more dangerous place and time, back to the year 2007 where global warming, melting polar icecaps, and countries nuking each other is threatening to exterminate the human race. Our hero Clato heads out on a mission to uncover the mystery of his brother's death, which will fatefully cross the path of the people behind the planet's impending demise.
The game will take full advantage of PS3's Interactive Body Teleporting technology by actually sending the players back to the year 2007 to undertake the mission assigned to Clato. Future gamers are bound to be thrilled with the sight of new races (malnourished African children, obese western kids, and well-dressed politicians) and weapons (over-the-counter guns, deadly chemicals, and American Idol wannabes).
Metal Gears of Halo
Developer: Bungie/Epic Games/Konami
Genre: Third Person Shooter
Release Date: LebRon, 2065
Platform: TBA
Epic Games, Konami, and Bungie aim to relive their glory days in this weird collaboration. Inspired from their own used-to-be-famous-now-a-has-been projects, they're bringing us probably the most eccentric twist in videogaming history. Not much has been divulged in this promising title, save some details about the main character - Chief Snake Fenix. He's said to be a Spartan carrying the crossed hybrid DNA of Solid Snake and Marcus Fenix, a total specimen for badassness.
There you have it, our own creative, if not twisted, take on how the future of videogaming will shape up decades from today. We didn't promise anything serious (and we didn't expect you to take it seriously either), it was just done for the love of the industry and what it represents - quality fun. Maybe you have your own trippy ideas stashed somewhere there? Time to let the whole world hear 'em out. You'll never know, these very pages might be sifted by our descendants in the future and might earn us end credits from a videogame in the future.
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you meant nintendo, microsoft and sony
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Not trying to bash at you though. Just my opinion
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I understand. Free speech rights. Gotcha.
Good day!
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useless psp homebrew updates...check
off-topic SHlT...check
bias news articles...check
yep i agree with most people here, the site's become crap
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The funny thing is, Ninty hates Sony and would never sell out to another Japanese company, thus making MS the perfect candidate.
Not only that, but you guys always talk about how Gates shells out money for companies just to kill Sony...well, if thats so true then MS can just BUY Nintendo off and be done with it.
Either way, Sony is dead. They lost exclusive after exclusive. They get bad port after bad port. Internet? What Internet? And you get lie after lie. I really dont understand how you people do it. Someone, do explain...
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in few words this article....FAILS
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Well I guess since the definition does say "attempting" and nothing about actually accomplishing being funny, you are technically right.
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Then when you actually click the link, the article would just say, "Seriously, shut up."
The comments would go, "Omgz F41L again for QJ Lawls." Hah.
Good thing I'm not QJ. : )
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'scuse me. I'll keep it PG-13.
Seriously though, besides Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City Stories, the rest was kinda lame.
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people are just confused because they always read posts here as real world gaming news.
its really fascinating, i myself also wonder if i can be able to play any game when i turn old. i can also see through the writers story that like me you also see playstation 3 as a powerful gaming console and will likely to succeed like its previous brothers. ps3 is down due to price but will eventually get up when games hits on every sides.
to all those readers that liked the story, voice out your opinion or share your own. and for those that find this story boring or something you simply close the page or read some other story. bashing will do you no good.
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Second, your analogy sucks.
It would be more like a robber breaking into your house, then complaining that you don't have the things that he would like to steal.
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Sure you get real up-to-date news here but qj did nothing stupid to post imaginative stories and these posts are what keeps people coming back!
If you want news, go to a news site! If you come here just for the homebrews then don't even bother to read and post comments abt the posts that r not related to a download link!
If this wastes your time then why do you even bother to post a comment since you said its so stupid?
ps: referring to those few, not all. Peace :)
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And then to top it off you managed to turn my analogy into helping what I had to say. Way to go man, haha!
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I feel happy now for doing that ^_^
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There are tons of articles like this on qj,
and This is up here becuase people Jumped it up.
Why the F^^^ do you think its called the quick jump blog network
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Frumpy u suck *****
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But it's obvious from your lack of intelligence, that you're a slow 11 year old, so I'll let it slide.
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SHUT UM IN A DOUGH.. CRAXZZZ
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Features:
All ethnicities! even white!
create your own gang tabard designs
(sorry i meant gang tattoos!)
make true brotha's online
shoot cops and other people without actually being arrested in real Life!
and futuristic virtual reality simulation you are warped into the game and play by simply performing real actions
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@Fool on the Hill+ Sonys not dead idiot, they sell like millions of other products, and PS3 got internet in case you didnt know... no one could ever buy nintendo cuz nintendo is too strong just like MS and Sony
stop saying that any of these companys will die...
and none of these companies own the world... stop saying MS owns the world, i can use Linux or something... and also, they did do something really wrong by adding DRM, u cant even convert your CDs to MP3 with Vista... u ppl better stick to your XP
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Microsoft #1
Nintendo #2
Sony #67 (i put it behind the genisis, because that sucked moose balls)
Hey my post is just like QJ's its a OPINION and Very funny because its true.
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haha.
This revolutionary handheld platform comes complete with a holograph projecter that enables you to play with up to a 176" screen! Just like the Revolution the Crusader has nerve sensors so you can be completely apathetic!
Have to go outside? The Crusader is fully equipped to go on any adventure you might take. No walls to project your game onto? No problem, the Crusader can project the hologram on the consoles built in screen with a simple thought.
And last but not least, the built in 800w 72.3 Dolby digital surround sound make you feel like you'r actually in the game!
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Free copy of Tony Hawks Hover Skater X.
Free copy of Spiderman 34: The Movie.
400GB Microsoft Flabergasting Size(c) Memory Stick.
Beta Version of Windows VR(Virtual Reality), including all VR gear.
[Warning: Windows VR(c) may cause severe brain damage, and or death. Microsoft is not responsible for any injury or death involved in the use of this product(See Ammendment 254 in US Constitution.)]
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I love thinking up rediculous stuff like that.
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