Of GTA: Vatican City Stories and videogaming in the future |
We know you had a blast (from the past) when we ran a feature about turning classic 80s cartoons into next-gen videogames, so we thought "why not do a 180 and focus on what lies ahead this time?" So this time we'll try to go crazy (in the process, be as absurd as possible) and try to peek into the kind of videogames our grand, grand, grandchildren would play in the far future.
We know that videogaming evolves depending on the kind of technology the current generation has. Whether it's a top of the line cell, motion-sensing technology, or an uber rich gameplay, current crop of consoles and games will try to equip themselves with the most technologically advanced weapons (yeah, kinda like "real" wars).
Since our list is supposed to be played during the future, don't be surprised with its absurdity. Even Edison and Einstein were laughed at by their peers during their time. We can't play videogames without platforms, so we've pulled out some out of this world (or time) ideas and created our own versions of future consoles. We'll stick with the big three this time - Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony. Here they are:
Xbox Revolution: Nope, they did not rip off Wii's former name. It's 50+ years into the future and I doubt if anybody would still remember that Nintendo used it as a WIP name for one of their consoles. Why "Revolution"? Well Microsoft followed 360 with 720, then 1440, and then...let's just say they got tired with spinning figures, so they christened their console of the future with a name that "revolutionizes" rotation (and an excuse to get rid of all those numbers). Main feature: Nerve sensitive controllers enabling the owner to make commands with the power of thought. Bonus perk: Comes with complementary infobot/condom dispenser (part of Bill Gates mission to stop AIDS).
PlayStation 3: Yeah, Sony will stick to the name PS3 because it is the future. In the far future they've stopped relaunching completely new consoles and have just resorted to periodical hardware and system updates. Main Feature: Interactive Body Teleporter: Technology immersing the player to actual in-game participation (gamer gets warped inside the game). Bonus perk: 20% off the next hardware or system update, which should be in a month.
Nintendo YeePee: It turns out the "Wii" is Nintendo's sublime way of sending the "our console is fun" message (hence the name's "weee!" sound). And their most recent console's name, descendant of Nintendo "Yey" and "Hura", follows the same trend. Main feature: Strap-on technology, the console works like a mobile suit, giving the gamer the ultimate motion sensing experience. Bonus perk: Party hats and balloons, and a couple of pots and pans.
Videogames of the future
It doesn't matter if the machine's advanced enough to produce black holes and destroy the universe, without great games it's not gonna kick much ass. And in the future, kickass games are the norm. It's either you're awesome, or you're lame, no more middle ground. Here are some games we should expect to rule the future:
Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City Stories
Developer: RockStar
Genre: Third-Person/Action Adventure
Release Date: Bush, 2061 (yeah, they've renamed months to historical figures)
Platform: YeePee
Rockstar, in an attempt to clear their name and to prove that they can be successful even on non-violent games, created a virtual world where the player's goal is to rule the holy Vatican City by being the Pope. In this game, you play the role of theological student Ramon, a bastion of goodwill whose dream is to spread the word of God and restore world peace. His Priest mentor tasks him to complete missions (such as withstanding a bunch of stripping college girls, reuniting an Israelite with her Palestinian husband, etc.) that'll boost the character's divinity towards his way to papacy.
Star Wars: Edge of Galaxy with George Lucas
Developer: Obsidian Ertaintenment/LucasArts
Genre: RPG
Release Date: Spears, 2063
Platform: Xbox Revolution
The lightsaber-wielding, force-toting Jedis are back with a mission that'll take them to the edge of galaxy. The Dark Force has employed the services or Darth Bord who has now launched an armada of Imperial ships ready to lay waste to all the planets of the Republic. Jedimaster Homer Skywalker, with the aid of George Lucas (the game's NPC, a tribute to Lucas' legacy), aims to halt the Sith force. The game is set to utilize Revolution's Nerve Sensitive controllers that'll capture the Jedis' telekinetic powers. What's Lucas' race you say? Here's a clue:
Homer Skywalker: Let's go Lucas, time to use the force and attack these Sith Lords!
George Lucas: UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh!
Final Fantasy E (250)
Developer: Square Enix/Green Peace
Genre: RPG
Release Date: Cowell, 2062
Platform: PlayStation 3
The 250th Final Fantasy is braving new grounds as it try to veer away from the traditional serene Ivalice setting. This time the game will take us to a more dangerous place and time, back to the year 2007 where global warming, melting polar icecaps, and countries nuking each other is threatening to exterminate the human race. Our hero Clato heads out on a mission to uncover the mystery of his brother's death, which will fatefully cross the path of the people behind the planet's impending demise.
The game will take full advantage of PS3's Interactive Body Teleporting technology by actually sending the players back to the year 2007 to undertake the mission assigned to Clato. Future gamers are bound to be thrilled with the sight of new races (malnourished African children, obese western kids, and well-dressed politicians) and weapons (over-the-counter guns, deadly chemicals, and American Idol wannabes).
Metal Gears of Halo
Developer: Bungie/Epic Games/Konami
Genre: Third Person Shooter
Release Date: LebRon, 2065
Platform: TBA
Epic Games, Konami, and Bungie aim to relive their glory days in this weird collaboration. Inspired from their own used-to-be-famous-now-a-has-been projects, they're bringing us probably the most eccentric twist in videogaming history. Not much has been divulged in this promising title, save some details about the main character - Chief Snake Fenix. He's said to be a Spartan carrying the crossed hybrid DNA of Solid Snake and Marcus Fenix, a total specimen for badassness.
There you have it, our own creative, if not twisted, take on how the future of videogaming will shape up decades from today. We didn't promise anything serious (and we didn't expect you to take it seriously either), it was just done for the love of the industry and what it represents - quality fun. Maybe you have your own trippy ideas stashed somewhere there? Time to let the whole world hear 'em out. You'll never know, these very pages might be sifted by our descendants in the future and might earn us end credits from a videogame in the future.
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Comments [refresh]
Sheer greatness, filled with hilarity. But what about the future portables?
utter drivel, it isnt even funny!
Awesome!!!
We'll stick with the big three this time - Nintendo, Microsoft, and Xbox 360
you meant nintendo, microsoft and sony
Ever think that's part of thier little joke in all of this?
I suck ***** and look at hentai cuz i cant get any
chin gao right now
slow day a QJ hey lets make some random not even funny article ( but see if you are right and we are able to see the future when we die i will write ( or even travel back in time) to give you sincere apology
I agree, this is ridiculous
I thought this was awesome. I don't know why the guys above my post are crying...they didn't have to read it. Do you think they know that they don't have to read it? Funny post.
... April Fool's Day is in a month and a day... why post this now?
You really thought it was funny? To me it sounded like a bunch of randomness. The person should've wrote something that dealt more with gaming currently than making speculations about game console "+50 years from now."
Not trying to bash at you though. Just my opinion
Why is everyone acting like their *****s fell off? It's a joke...Y'know, something that promotes something called called humor.
I understand. Free speech rights. Gotcha.
Good day!
suck it qj damn first an update every time some punk releases a new xmb theme, now this ?
That's truly brilliant. Ignore the unappreciative c**ts. I thought it's funny and innovative for a change. Kudos QJ!
what were you's smokin?
god this site's become crap....
useless psp homebrew updates...check
off-topic SHlT...check
bias news articles...check
yep i agree with most people here, the site's become crap
I started an article called "Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City Stories" on Uncyclopedia, based on an existing article for "Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City." I wonder if that's where QJ gets its inspiration.
this is good this is hilarious but why is every one saying its stupid screw them this is funny if u have sense of humor!
i smell a ban.....
That's the smell of a n00b.
Most people who bash qj.net are from gp2x forums. But of lameasses if you ask me. All they do on their forum is manly bashing qj.net
I only got a little chuckle. Wasn't that funny.
in the future nintendo will die out from making crappy games and will be acquired by Sony
Does this mean all games will horribly suck in the future? Poor future people.
You guys are just a lot of nerds! Why did you found this ridicolous? It hurts your feelings? Watching how people make fun of your beloved companies? Lol. This was hilarious.
thats awesome, then youll have a whole bunch of childrens games mixed in with your anime jap stuff...wait, how exactly is this helping sony? Microsoft still wins, and its never too late for you to jump on there with it.
The funny thing is, Ninty hates Sony and would never sell out to another Japanese company, thus making MS the perfect candidate.
Not only that, but you guys always talk about how Gates shells out money for companies just to kill Sony...well, if thats so true then MS can just BUY Nintendo off and be done with it.
Either way, Sony is dead. They lost exclusive after exclusive. They get bad port after bad port. Internet? What Internet? And you get lie after lie. I really dont understand how you people do it. Someone, do explain...
que puños con tu chingao, pon algo concreto
It just means that there will be of those, I think theyre called, PS3 games. Because you see, there is one part PS3 (Metal), then two part 360 (Gears / Halo). Meaning of course a better console. Yes, the future will rule!
I LEFT MY CAT IN THE MICROWAVE
once again QJ tries and fails at humour
of idiots.......apparently the readers are just as bad when posting such idiocy
didn't laugh at all. stop this bull***** n do ur *****in job of briniging news for normal people not retarded ppl.
in few words this article....FAILS
No offense but...this is suppose to be funny??? Cause im just hella confused...
everything!...i mean what are u talking about
I just lolled because of that one. Thanks!
Humor : an instance of being or attempting to be comical or amusing; something humorous.
Well I guess since the definition does say "attempting" and nothing about actually accomplishing being funny, you are technically right.
If I was QJ.net I'd make an article saying, "Listen here you ass-holes. If you don't like it, stop coming here, because nobody cares about your constant complaining. You coming to this site and saying it sucks, is like a robber breaking into your house and asking you what are you doing here. Just shut up." just to make you mad.
Then when you actually click the link, the article would just say, "Seriously, shut up."
The comments would go, "Omgz F41L again for QJ Lawls." Hah.
Good thing I'm not QJ. : )
Strap-on technology. Ahahahahaha. Hahaha. Ha.
'scuse me. I'll keep it PG-13.
Seriously though, besides Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City Stories, the rest was kinda lame.
Bonus perk: Comes with complementary infobot/condom dispenser
tnx qj, this is not news but an imaginative story.
people are just confused because they always read posts here as real world gaming news.
its really fascinating, i myself also wonder if i can be able to play any game when i turn old. i can also see through the writers story that like me you also see playstation 3 as a powerful gaming console and will likely to succeed like its previous brothers. ps3 is down due to price but will eventually get up when games hits on every sides.
to all those readers that liked the story, voice out your opinion or share your own. and for those that find this story boring or something you simply close the page or read some other story. bashing will do you no good.
thx for the info. XD
Sony and Nintendo are sister companies in Japan.. only competitive in the united states where their main business is not. Sony however is not dead yet.. its WAYY to early in the game to tell, wait till they actually DO get titles out that matter. Assassin's Creed and GTA4 have potential to be phenomenal games and yes Sony did lose those exclusives along with some others.. it doesn't mean that they wont GET sales on them as well as the exclusives they already have like Lair and Heavenly Sword.. Do some research before you predict the Future
Thats pretty funny :) i like reading stuff like that
Seriously that could have been a killer article, but they just had to make it incredbly stupid, with the condom dispenser and stuff.
First off, yes it is a good thing you're not QJ, you'd have about 3 members, and go under in about 30 seconds.
Second, your analogy sucks.
It would be more like a robber breaking into your house, then complaining that you don't have the things that he would like to steal.
Hey, no offence against the condom dispencer, that one rocked xD
open up your minds you guys if all news and no jokes then this site would've gone down wayyyyyyy before you can get in here and read all these stuff you call "crap"!
Sure you get real up-to-date news here but qj did nothing stupid to post imaginative stories and these posts are what keeps people coming back!
If you want news, go to a news site! If you come here just for the homebrews then don't even bother to read and post comments abt the posts that r not related to a download link!
If this wastes your time then why do you even bother to post a comment since you said its so stupid?
ps: referring to those few, not all. Peace :)
HAHA I love the part about how the month have changed to names of "historical figure". You got Bush, Spears and my favorite month, LeBron! HAHAAHAHA
You are taking jabs at videogames and their standing with religion, bring the Vatican into the story. How many people did you aim to offend this time, Qj? Bunch of complete A.$$ clowns
Biggest waste of my time ever. Who spent their time typing all this crap? How exactly is this a "psp update"?
I am sure from now that GTA Vatican it will cause a lot of problems to the vatican but basiclly vatican is a religous place not a place like los angeles where there's a lot of violence...
Who cares about what religion they make fun, it's a joke. Who cares about religion for that matter.
Wow you really know how to take a reference and just shatter it (About how I can't run a site),
And then to top it off you managed to turn my analogy into helping what I had to say. Way to go man, haha!
zZz...zZz
Some of you people are just a bunch of tight vaginas. It's a *****ing joke. Crazy douche bags. Funny or not, it's a joke.
who ever wrote that was talking out of their @$$ i mean this site is falling apart just cause of these terrible useless articles
You know what? Do you pay these people? Do you write their checks? Do they even really get paid to do half this sh*t? I doubt it. And I seriously doubt little d*cks like you are deserving of the time and effort they put in here. So why don't you just go off and... oh, I don't know... GET A LIFE? Oh and the word Retarded comes from the word Retard which means, to hold back. And you, whoever you are, will find yourself seriously retarded if you don't get an attitude adjustment and learn to spell and count. it's bull**** not bull*****. 4 asterix, not 5. Same with "*****in job" it's actually ****ing job. and why spell people right the first time and not the second? Oh and nobody cares if you didn't laugh. So, in a few words: YOU FAIL.
I feel happy now for doing that ^_^
Don't you mean PS10?
Microsoft own everything in the world!... in some way or another you don't know about.
A lot of people care about religion *****wad. atheist ***** i hope wen u die u get reborn into a tree, and then get chopped down and turned into a bible
Well Durk-a-Dark,
There are tons of articles like this on qj,
and This is up here becuase people Jumped it up.
Why the F^^^ do you think its called the quick jump blog network
maybe you should stop reading the internet then since it is full of opinions..
Ur all funny :))) ....all u neards spenking your monkeys in front of the PC
Frumpy u suck *****
ok this is probobly the most offensive thing iv seen on this site ever what is vatican city stories supposed to imply that there is some kind of coruption in the church and that people in the feaure will learn how stupid we were 50+ years ago warshiping God. who ever did this crossed the boundary between stupid and offensive and did a mad dash for about 500 yards
and the fact that it is on the list of top jumped to makes me loose my hope in humanity
amazing and i seem not to care
wow your so funny and origonal Mom of... that is the first time iv ever heard a "your mom" joke their so funny i think ill start a fad with that phrase in the 90"s
i agree with shadownet this is stupid and even though he will get banned (just deleat your cookies) this site is ****
i cant stand the people who wright these all they do is putup stupid nerdy articles concerning nothing wint the goal of offending people when they should just put up important stuff instead of killing this site yurself
and besides killing a ton of Jews Hitler wasnt too bad face it this whole article sucks this is the last time i come here ever this site has turned to crap
Your "rebuttal" made absolutely no sense at all.
But it's obvious from your lack of intelligence, that you're a slow 11 year old, so I'll let it slide.
Listen, I'm all for debating it's fun. But I'm serious when I say, how did you not understand that? Honestly. Reference man, as in what my post was all about. It wasn't about if I seriously ran the site that you (being so witty) made it out to be. It was making fun of everyone that complains about the site. All I can say is "wow," that you didn't understand. And then lack of intelligence? That is so ironic from your sentence before that. And once again, you end it with the icing of a horrible one-liner about a slow 11 year old, yet you can't figure out one sentence. You can "let it slide" man, but don't act like you can save face by spurting out useless information about nothing by adding your own context without meaning.
QJ needs to hook me up with their dealer cause ill buy like $2000 worth of whatever the s*** is theyre smokin!!
I wish I could see the 90% of the people who whine and complain about every little thing face to face. Regardless of if the article read "Sony gives everyone free psp," the majority of the posts would say Sony sucks, I hate qj, and the rest just responses saying the previous poster is gay and retarded. You guys are really tough hiding behind your computer...
Somebody call the whambulance. Lava Sofa is a ***** who can't take a joke. I thought it was offensive in the bible when it said that raping woman is ok as long as you are circumcised. Also thought it was offensive when god slaughtered 30 children cause they called a man bald. So stop your crying over jokes and try to be slightly more open minded cause their is a lot more important things to be concerned about then someone making a joke and an up-tight person being offended.
these jokes aren't even funny
MEtal gear os Halo .. man the other*****er who wrote this have hhs mtiege rib oenanentucy wasing cpabnts of ontgertmn WUMNAS.
SHUT UM IN A DOUGH.. CRAXZZZ
First off, it's a joke! Second, if this is a response to unfounded Vatican criticism of violence in video games, then it's an unfunny joke, unless you're talking another GTA-style game like 'BULLY', cause that game rules!
World of Crack Wars? An Online MMO where the character you create is a deprived person from the underlying ghetto society of america missions will start out with doing small things like robbing a store to get your fix to all the way up to being a drug lord of the city
Features:
All ethnicities! even white!
create your own gang tabard designs
(sorry i meant gang tattoos!)
make true brotha's online
shoot cops and other people without actually being arrested in real Life!
and futuristic virtual reality simulation you are warped into the game and play by simply performing real actions
LMAO this is so hilarious, Metal Gears of Halo LOL
wtf stfu nerd fanboys, u are not wise to see the future, so stop predicting fake *****
@Fool on the Hill+ Sonys not dead idiot, they sell like millions of other products, and PS3 got internet in case you didnt know... no one could ever buy nintendo cuz nintendo is too strong just like MS and Sony
stop saying that any of these companys will die...
and none of these companies own the world... stop saying MS owns the world, i can use Linux or something... and also, they did do something really wrong by adding DRM, u cant even convert your CDs to MP3 with Vista... u ppl better stick to your XP
i found it kinda funny how they "favored" microsoft in there imaginitve stories. i really do hate ps3 and the fannerds that come with it. I think Nintendo doesnt really care about whos on top, rather than whos making people more happy with the games they buy. The point is that the ratings still stand
Microsoft #1
Nintendo #2
Sony #67 (i put it behind the genisis, because that sucked moose balls)
Hey my post is just like QJ's its a OPINION and Very funny because its true.
If you all dont like this article (which I thought was hilarious) then go read something else, like the latest Barbie ezine out there or something. Everyone who has complained obviously has no life if the best way to spend their time is by talking s*** about articles written by people you dont even know. Sheesh...
Future Xbox handheld console?
haha.
This revolutionary handheld platform comes complete with a holograph projecter that enables you to play with up to a 176" screen! Just like the Revolution the Crusader has nerve sensors so you can be completely apathetic!
Have to go outside? The Crusader is fully equipped to go on any adventure you might take. No walls to project your game onto? No problem, the Crusader can project the hologram on the consoles built in screen with a simple thought.
And last but not least, the built in 800w 72.3 Dolby digital surround sound make you feel like you'r actually in the game!
Premium pack features..
Free copy of Tony Hawks Hover Skater X.
Free copy of Spiderman 34: The Movie.
400GB Microsoft Flabergasting Size(c) Memory Stick.
Beta Version of Windows VR(Virtual Reality), including all VR gear.
[Warning: Windows VR(c) may cause severe brain damage, and or death. Microsoft is not responsible for any injury or death involved in the use of this product(See Ammendment 254 in US Constitution.)]
that was sad but funnier than this article
Seriously, if i had time, I would have added those in my article. thanks. :)
stupid and not funny
Thanks.
I love thinking up rediculous stuff like that.